How to deal with difficult people?
26 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
I realize my blog is for MY writing but I absolutely have to post this blog from a brilliant writer and spiritual teacher, Hiro Boga because she says it best…… I have been wrangling with one very difficult person in my life for the past six years and have learned – sometimes the hard way – the best way to not only deal but to learn and grow beyond what this person has dished up in the life of my family and myself… This writing below is like a clear, clean bell ringing truth we can all learn from….Please read on… and please visit her website and learn more about her work… she is brilliant. www.hiroboga.com
What happens to a gift you refuse to accept?
Hiro Boga | August 12th, 2009
You’re a loving, giving, sensitive person. You support the people you love generously. You appreciate them openly and tell them so. You share their genius with your friends, telling everyone you know about how wonderful they are, about the fabulous work they do.
You help them move towards their dreams in any way you can.
And then, one of them says something to you that feels like a door slammed in your face. Maybe they’ve just had a bad day.
Or maybe—just maybe—this is a pattern in your relationship.
You give, they take. And take.
They take as though it’s their right to receive from you. As though you owe it to them to give them whatever they want.
And when you don’t give them what they want, or do as they say, they lash out in ways that leave you feeling hurt and bewildered. Wondering what you’ve done wrong. Wondering why things went sour, again, so quickly.
You feel stupid, inadequate, small, defensive–maybe even angry. Or you leave feeling convinced there’s something seriously wrong with you.
Lately, several of my clients have come to me for help because they’re struggling with someone like this in their life. Does this pattern sound familiar to you?
How do you meet difficult people without closing down your heart, resisting them, being defensive, or trying to fix yourself, or them?
Let’s take a look at what’s happening here.
You give them gifts of appreciation, love and support. Maybe you also give them your fear of their unpredictable moods. And the gift of your attempts to placate them, to get them to approve of you.
Mixed gifts. Painful.
They give you gifts too. Pleasure, approval, delight when you give them what they want.
And when they don’t get their way? Contempt, dismissiveness, demands, threats. Attempts to bully or guiltify you into doing what they want.
These are gifts too.
So what happens when you refuse to accept a gift?
No blame, no shame. You simply and politely say “No, thank you”, and walk away.
The gift remains with its giver.
All that pain they’re dishing out? It remains with them.
In walking away, you give them another gift. The gift of being with their own pain. This opens a space of possibility. Which is the first step in healing.
And by saying No, thanks, to gifts that don’t support your heart, you give yourself gifts too. You get to encounter your own pain.
You get to love and heal those wounded parts of yourself that live in the shadow of your own inner judgments.
You get to give yourself the gifts of love, appreciation, support and kindness. Which then adds to the sum of loving kindness in the world.
Everybody wins. ~ Hiro Boga www.hiroboga.com
Respectfully submitted….Om shanti,
Lynn Louise
Refresh Button
21 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
I went to a website and the text was all jumbled onto the right side of the screen, illegible. My techno-savvy son heard me ask out loud what was going on. He said, “Just hit the refresh button.” I did and magically the website re-loaded with aligned, perfectly legible text! He said, “Yeah, sometimes you just have to click that refresh button when stuff like that happens.” He was talking about the computer of course.
Yesterday I saw 7 therapy clients with only one short break and tomorrow I see 8 clients with just a brief pause for a bite to eat somewhere in the middle. Today, my calendar affords me a stretch of hours before I go into the office so I figure it’s time to hit the refresh button.
I realize that I actually have to click that button several times per day in my life with a full, deep breath and a brief closing of my eyes consciously bringing all my mind’s divergent thoughts into one point of focus – this current moment. Then I notice those stray thoughts trying to wiggle away from right now and wander back into last week or ahead into three months from now. With another breath, I gather up all the strays and all thoughts come into one convergent point. It happens fairly quickly and voila! I am refreshed and ready to go.
I am noticing that the more regularly I practice this, the more automatic it is becoming. The really exciting part of all of this is that I have been noticing a persistent hum of joy, calm, humor and capacity for acceptance within me in response to what used to rattle me to the core.
If only I’d known it was this easy to break out of the stress cycle years ago… Ah well, here I am now – refreshed and ready to go….
Om Shanti,
Lynn Louise
Coming Alive!
12 Jan 2010 Leave a Comment
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~ Howard Thurman
This quote really grabbed me and I feel compelled to share it widely. I was in a yoga class this past week and after an absolutely inspired asana practice, as we completed the class with savasana I felt the hum of aliveness coursing through my body as my body and mind rested deeply at the same time. I put one hand over my belly just below my naval and the other hand over my sternum and felt the aliveness in my whole being. Upon feeling this that is really something words can not capture, tears came to my eyes as I whispered in my mind, “Thank you!” I’m not sure if I was thanking the Divine, thanking myself, thanking all my fellow yogis, all of my teachers…. maybe all of these… but I felt flooded with palpable gratitude for this sense of ALIVENESS.
So, the quote above begs the question of every reader, “What makes YOU come alive?” and encourages us to go and do whatever it is because aliveness is contagious in a wonderful way. Let’s see if we can feel that hum of aliveness today….
Om Shanti,
Lynn Louise Wonders
Jade Yoga Mat Giveaway!
23 Sep 2009 Leave a Comment
Jade Yoga Mat Giveaway!
I love my Jade yoga mat… I’ve tried so many different mats over the years and the Jade mats are tops. Here is a chance to win one of the best yoga mats around.
Jade Yoga mats are made in the US with natural rubber, a renewable resource containing no PVC or other synthetic plastics. They say that their mats “grip better, are more comfortable and are better for you and the environment than any other yoga mat on the market.” Through their partnership with Trees for the Future, JadeYoga plants a tree for every yoga mat sold! They are promoted by Seane Corn, Melanie Smith, Duncan Wong, Shiva Rea, Steve Ross, Cyndi Lee, and more Yogis you know and love. The testimonials on their site also repeat over and over how sweaty hands don’t slip on these mats and they are worth every pennt. Jade is a mat you can be proud to use.
Here’s How:
1. blog about this contest with a link back to this page. be sure to leave a comment here with a link to your post so we know about it.
2. if you don’t have a blog, simply read “25 Ways to Reuse Your ‘Old’ Yoga Mat” at http://www.jadeyoga.com/store/pages.php?pageid=5 tell us in comments your favorite idea.
(yes, you can do both!)
You can also tweet (which we love but won’t enter you into this contest):
Win a Jade Yoga Mat from @intimateguide! http://ow.ly/qBDo
All entries must be received by 6pm EST Oct 7, 2009. One entry per person/PER DAY. We’ll announce the winner here & on Twitter on Oct 8, 2009 before 11pm EST. If it’s you, make sure to contact us back within 48 hours with your mailing address.
Read on for official rules …
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER, PLAY OR WIN. A PURCHASE WILL NOT IMPROVE YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING. THE FOLLOWING GIVEAWAY IS INTENDED FOR PLAY IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES ONLY. DO NOT ENTER THIS GIVEAWAY IF YOU ARE NOT LOCATED IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES.
DESCRIPTION OF GIVEAWAY: Via online method only, entrants will have the opportunity to win one of the above mentioned yoga mats. Entries will be accepted starting at 11:00 pm EST on Sept 22, 2009 until 6:00 pm EST Oct 7, 2009.
ELIGIBILITY: The Giveaway is open only to legal residents of the continental United States (including the District of Columbia), who are 8 years of age or older at the time of entry. Void where prohibited or restricted by law. Giveaway is subject to all applicable federal, state, and local laws and regulations.
Contestants are encouraged to retweet but doing so is not a requirement of this offer. You will be required to contact Intimate Guide via twitter, email or blog comment within forty-eight (48) hours if you have been notified you are a winner. Prize will be shipped by Jade Yoga directly to the prize winner. Intimate Guide is not responsible for shipment of prize. Intimate Guide will not replace any lost, mutilated, or stolen prizes.
AGREEMENT TO OFFICIAL RULES: Participation in the Giveaway constitutes full and unconditional agreement to and acceptance of these Official Rules and the decisions of Intimate Guide, which are final and binding. Winning a prize is contingent on fulfilling all requirements set forth herein.
WINNERS PRIZE SELECTION AND NOTIFICATION: This is a game of chance. Odds of winning are based on eligible number of entries. If winner notification remains unanswered for more than forty-eight (48) hours, the prize will be forfeited in its entirety and a new winner may be selected by Intimate Guide. No prize substitutions or cash alternatives are allowed except as may be determined by Sponsor in its sole discretion.
Intimate Guide is not responsible for any typographical or other error in this offer, administration of the Giveaway or in the announcement of prizes. Intimate Guide shall have the right, in its sole discretion, to abbreviate, modify, suspend, cancel, or terminate the Giveaway without further obligation. Any action relating to this giveaway shall be initiated only in the state and federal courts located in Pinellas County, Florida (USA).
Repetitive automated electronic submission of entries is specifically prohibited, and any such entries will be disqualified. In the event of a dispute, the potential winner may be required to provide proof that he/she is the authorized account holder of the identified twitter/email account, and Intimate Guide’s decision will be final. WARNING: ANY ATTEMPT BY ANY PERSON TO DELIBERATELY DAMAGE ANY COMPUTERIZED SITE OR UNDERMINE THE LEGITIMATE OPERATION OF THE GIVEAWAY IS A VIOLATION OF CRIMINAL AND CIVIL LAWS AND SHOULD SUCH ATTEMPT BE MADE, SPONSOR RESERVES THE RIGHT TO SEEK DAMAGE FROM ANY SUCH PERSON TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW.
Sailing Away from the Safe Harbor…
21 Sep 2009 Leave a Comment
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do…Sail away from the safe harbor…Explore, Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain
Familiarity feels safe and the safe harbor can be a great place of rest and recuperation…. but growth and expansion occurs beyond the safe harbor. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I, for one, am quite certain that I am here on earth to grow and expand… and maybe help some people along the way.
There is a song by the band Incubus called “Warning.” The first verse goes like this: ”She woke in the morning. She knew that her life had passed her by. She called out a warning….”Don’t ever let life pass you by!”
While practicality definitely has its place, seeking new experiences is on my daily agenda. Every day is ripe with opportunity for an eye-opening, soul-stretching experience no matter how subtle it may be…
Leaving the harbor now….
Om Shanti,
Lynn
It is the returning that matters…
20 Sep 2009 Leave a Comment
It is the returning that matters…
(This is dedicated to my students who inspire me every week…)
What matters is not how many times we drift away from meditation and mindfulness practice but how many times we return…
It is the returning… the coming back to the Self…the coming back to the breath that takes us to realization.
Realization is the process through which our eyes are opened, our mind is transformed from an unconscious source of criticism and judgment to a full awakened, gentle observer.
In and through mindfulness practice, every aspect of experience is welcomed and appreciated.
With mindfulness meditation, we take on the role of an impartial observer of everything that passes before our attention. Our intention is to be mindful, that is, to be fully aware and awake of what is going on in the present moment. Often the breath is still used as an anchor to the present moment in mindfulness meditation, but apart from that, no attempt is made to direct the attention.
Whatever thoughts, so called distractions, sounds, images, ideas, or feelings arise, nothing is excluded. Everything is welcomed. We simply pay attention to whatever is there. We do not judge or evaluate. Whatever happens, whatever occurs is okay – we just sit quietly and observe.
Mindfulness meditation can be applied to all experiences in life. Whatever is happening, we should not try to hold the experience outside ourselves. Mindfulness is about embracing reality and the present moment, whether we are working, running or enjoying a meal.
Establishing Cues…
In order to help integrate the practice of mindfulness into every element of your daily life, it is sometimes helpful to establish cues. Walking through a doorway can be a cue to remember to take a full breath and be fully present. Every time we hear a phone ring it can cue us to breathe and center before we answer the phone or go about our activities. Every time we see or hear a particular word like, “Welcome!” or “Life” we can remember to take a breath and be present.
Be the Gentle Observer…
Learn to smile at yourself when you catch yourself making a mistake. Take a full breath and soften your voice and your face BEFORE you speak aloud to someone when you are aware of feeling stressed or frustrated. Be gentle with yourself and allow this gentle Self to watch from the proverbial sidelines with a smile knowing that every experience, every emotion, every thought can be welcomed and dealt with in a way that is conscious. Respond after observation rather than reacting automatically.
Om Shanti,
Lynn
Second Mothering
04 Aug 2009 2 Comments
As a therapist and as a teacher, I consciously borrow from my own life experiences in order to assist my clients and students along with the many years of training and education I have had of course. I very much embrace the “person of the therapist” theory and share my experiences in order to enrich the bond I have with my own clients and students.
About a year and a half ago a court decided to place my husband’s daughter in our custody after a great deal of evidence and testimony was presented. It’s a somewhat rare thing in our state for a judge to remove a child from her biological mother’s custody and it was clear this judge gave this a lot of serious consideration before making his decision. My husband and I wept with relief and joy upon hearing his decision.
This little girl and I had easily forged an incredible bond from the first encounter when she was only four years old, so it was an easy and delightful transition to have her come and live in our home permanently. The past year and a half has been rich with opportunity to experience the day in and day out treasures of raising a little girl when I have only been accustomed to raising boys prior.
Perhaps it’s because of the long and rich bond this beautiful child and I have that we are not the typical “step mother” and “step daughter.” She started off calling me “Miss Lynn” when she was four at our first meeting when I was dating her father and that name has stuck. She also has struggled aloud with my role in her life because she has felt guilty at times for loving me, perhaps afraid it was a betrayal of her mother. After much reassurance from her father and me that there is MORE than enough love to go around and she can love everyone in her life as much as she wishes, she eventually relaxed with it all. One evening as I was tucking her into bed she cocked her head thoughtfully and said, “You know, Mom is my first mother and you are my second mother.” I confirmed, “Yes, that is true. You have two mothers and a girl is very lucky to have so many adults in her life who love her so much.”
Second Mother. What an honor it is to be in this role. Never taking away from her relationship with her first mother, but absolutely augmenting, providing the day-in and day-out mothering that the court has entrusted me with. Her father and I are raising her to feel free to love and free to express her thoughts and feelings without judgment in our home. And she is teaching us new things every day.
Today we will be painting pottery together; an experience we have come to see as a chance to just hang out and be together with no pressure of time, sharing in our mutual love of artistic expression. I listen very carefully when she talks to me and I listen very carefully to my own inner experience as I embrace this relatively new role in my life.
Here is to second mothers everywhere! May we all embrace each step along the way with love and appreciation for the opportunity.
Om Shanti,
Lynn Louise
Bats Flying In
25 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
A good friend of mine is going through what I would consider a highly alert and conscious phase of transition… She has made a conscious decision to shift the path beneath her feet in a new direction toward greater authenticity after many years of being led by her ego and monkey-mind as so many of us do. One of the tools of assistance she is embracing is an in-depth massage therapy and healing realease process with a well trained and skilled practitioner. Yesterday, after completing a particularly freeing session, she drove home to discover a bat flying around in her living room. She reacted to the bat in her former manner of moving through life, reacting with panic and desperation to kill and remove the creature, assuming it was a threat to her. As soon as I heard her account I did a little research and discovered that the great shamans say that when a bat flies into your life it is a symbol of rebirth, moving from darkness toward light. I shared this with her and she chose to see the message as profound and decided not to kill the bat. I am hopeful she and her gentle-spirited husband will find way to assist the bat out of the home with gratitude and blessings.
This has really made me reflect this morning on how often messages and messengers fly into our life only to be met with our automatic rejection, disgust, dismissal or panic. We so readily slip into the old ways of unconscious reaction rather than alert, conscious, gentle observation… and then mindful response when needed.
I laugh at myself writing about this because I noticed that I was slipping just yesterday into my former tendencies when I had a full blown, mindless reaction to being served with a subpoena to testify in a case involving a former young client. I automatically went into angry-mode when served with the subpoena, thinking only of how this was completely not supposed to happen and this was going to wreck my entire weekend and inconvenience me thoroughly! I didn’t catch myself right away. In fact, it took a couple of hours of complaining to others, and frantically seeking legal counsel or supervisory suggestions of how to get out of this. It wasn’t until I was on the phone with the prosecuring attorney who surpised me with her patience and compassion for my anger at being called with such late notice after having been previously released. In this phone conversation in which this attorney (yes an attorney with compassion!) allowed me to feel and express that frustration fully without reaction and with sincere understanding, that “gentle observer” inside of me crept up and showed me that maybe this was all an opportunity. My anger melted. I began to listen. The attorney offered me a late afternoon time to show up in court and went on to explain how and why my testimony was important. A window of awareness opened. I then realized – without judging or being harsh with myself – that I’d been automatically operating out of unconscious reaction, thinking only of my own inconvenience. Realizing this, everything shifted. I relaxed and I will be ready to appear in court on Monday afternoon.
Perhaps there are bats flying into our lives all the time in different forms. This thing called “rebirth”, moving out of darkness, moving from unconsciousness to an awakened and aware observational state is a process we step in and out of and back into again and again by choosing to return to the awake state.
Here’s to bats in the belfry!
Om Shanti,
Lynn Louise
sounds like a broken record
23 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
I was reflecting on how after over 16 years of sitting with my own meditation teacher, sometimes I hear him saying the same things again and again. I also notice that I hear the same messages from many masters all over the world over and over. Then I noticed I hear myself telling my own students and many of my clients the same simple but often difficult guiding messages in effort to assist and support. It came to me this morning that sometimes that broken record has a message that we don’t really hear even though we’ve heard the words so many times before. If we are hearing those same words again and again, perhaps it is because we need to listen more closely, tune in more deeply, absorb the essence of that message with a deep, full breath and bring it in closer…. If we really tune in, that message that seems to be annoyingly repeated has a precious gift in there somewhere. Maybe if we slow our movement, slow our breath, feel the ground under the pads of toes and feet, open our hearts we can hear something more in those words than just the words themselves…. Maybe…
Om Shanti,
Lynn Louise
The Gentle Observer
17 Jul 2009 Leave a Comment
Many great masters throughout the world encourage and assist their students in cultivating the ability to be in the present moment, to observe without judgment, to watch and be alert without reaction. I have been fortunate to study with some truly great masters over the past 17 years and one day when I was sitting with my own students I heard myself explaing this concept to them with the term, “Gentle Observer.” I heard myself say, “We want to cultivate this aspect of Self that will be very alert, completely attuned, observing what we are feeling, hearing, seeing, experiencing without the harsh and judgmental thoughts that normally accompany the observations. We want to cultivate ‘The Gentle Observer.’”
And so even as I was assisting my students, I took away a notion that has stuck with me. In my work as a therapist, in my relationships with others, in all my very human experiences, I am constantly attempting to continue cultivating and refining this “Gentle Observer.” I thought it time to begin writing about some of my observations in an attempt to be of further assistance to others as they find their way along their own path of self and life discovery.
Om Shanti,
Lynn Louise
